See, I haven't been having a good run lately on either a mental or physical health front. I've been putting in some long hours of work, both at the office and once again logging in when I get home. I go to bed late and get up early. Really not taking very good care of myself, can't tell you the last time I went for an evening walk around the neighborhood or weekend bike ride. I've put back on most of the weight I lost last year thanks to compensatory stress eating and low amounts of willpower. I'm generally exhausted and run-down, and a little more irritable than normal. If my Mom were to read this (she won't, I don't think anybody in my family reads this blog anymore) she'd tell me I'm "burning the candle at both ends."
Holistically, my home life is stable. My wife is extremely supportive and Lilly seems to be having a fairly good 8th grade school year and is looking forward to sneaking in one last evening of trick or treating in a few weeks. She's a good kid and I love how unique she is. She's more than comfortable zigging when others zag. So that's a positive. I shouldn't ignore the positives. I have a very good life; things could certainly be way worse. Unfortunately, I just don't feel right. This funk I'm in is probably the most wrong I've felt in a long time.
With that said, I really needed to make a weekend run to the sanctuary of the woods. It seems to be the only place I feel I can get my head straight, even if it is only for a few hours. Perhaps its because cell phone coverage can't reach me there. I love a lot about technology, but sometimes miss the days when we weren't accessible 24-7 and expected to respond to such intrusions. I'm an only child, so finding happiness and fulfillment from being alone doesn't come hard.
So I left right from work on Friday evening, drove for a few hours and got to where I needed to in time to get a little shut eye. I should have taken the opportunity to sleep in a bit on Saturday morning for a change, but rather woke up early and found some water and trout, and just tried to clear my mind for a little while...
The alone time and cooler temperatures were enough to coax a crooked smile, and perhaps bring back some of the missing balance I was seeking. At least temporarily.
As I type this post early on a Sunday evening, I know all those feelings I ran away from on Friday are just going to rapidly intensify in a few short hours. The stress and anxiety I escaped will be back; heck, I actually feel it starting to ball up inside me a touch now.
I wish I had a cute little concluding paragraph for this post that made the claim that fly fishing cured all my ills, and say I'm all good now, but I don't. I'm not seeking your sympathy or positive reinforcement, everybody has issues, and most (if not all) are bigger and more messed up than mine. It's called life, it throws punches, and I just need to suck it up for the time being. Things are bound to get better in time, they always do. But for now I'm definitely down in the dumps and I haven't started digging out quite yet. I just needed to write this all down to maybe help me find the shovel.
I can certainly relate to the feeling. Having two young kids and working has me in a similar place, although maybe for slightly different reasons.ReplyDelete
I actually did something similar a few weeks ago. Left and slept on the ground on St George Island because if I didn't I might go ballistic.
My default is always to try and find a way to go fishing, and like you said it only works temporarily.
If it makes you feel any better you aren't alone in trying to find balance in life, but sincerely hope you do. If I crack the code I'll let you know.
I'll definitely let you know George... if not, maybe some day we can meet up and fish together. I'm sure that'd be fun. I'll even leave the japanese rods at home.Delete
We should sometime. Stop by the middle Chattahoochee on your way up to N Ga. I'd really love to fish there again someday tooDelete
You are right....a fishing trip here and there is not a cure all. The stress of life will be there waiting for you when you are done. The important thing is to keep taking the mental/physical breaks from time to time. If you can't get out to a mountain stream then go for that walk around the neighborhood, go the beach, go where there is a natural setting and just hang out for awhile. It will benefit you in more ways than one. I can relate to everything in your post and have found that if I don't take a moment, or moments, to catch my breath I will be overwhelmed. Letting life's stress build up is no good for me or those I love and who depend on me. Just keep putting your best foot forward and working at it. There is nothing more anyone can ask of you, and more importantly, that you can ask of yourself.ReplyDelete
Thanks Kiwi. More time in nature would definitely do me well.Delete
My son met us at Upper Lake the end of August. He has a job (Ya need to dump that wig thing) like yours. He's the Maintenance Manager for IN-N-Out Burgers (don't know if you've heard of them). His responsibility is Northern California, Oregon, Nevada, Utah, & temporarily Arizona. (Ya need to dump that wig thing) We arrived on Sunday and it took him until Tuesday to slow down. Maybe you need a long vacation without electronics. It has affected his body as well. He's overweight, has to sleep with a CPAP, and is wound so tight he looks like he might explode. Maybe Yoga or Tai-Chi would help. Best I can offer.ReplyDelete
Ha. The comment from human hair wigs made me laugh, so I kept it around for a little bit. But I've deleted it. Other than that, I do appreciate the feedback. Carving out a little time in my day (even if it's only a half hour) would do some good. P.S. I do like an In-N-Out burger when I'm in California.Delete
Mike it's places like those that help us keep our sanity in a whacky world.ReplyDelete
Lovely little trout. That fly sure looks familiar.
Thanks Alan... loved reading your posts with the little orange kebari.Delete