See, I haven't been having a good run lately on either a mental or physical health front. I've been putting in some long hours of work, both at the office and once again logging in when I get home. I go to bed late and get up early. Really not taking very good care of myself, can't tell you the last time I went for an evening walk around the neighborhood or weekend bike ride. I've put back on most of the weight I lost last year thanks to compensatory stress eating and low amounts of willpower. I'm generally exhausted and run-down, and a little more irritable than normal. If my Mom were to read this (she won't, I don't think anybody in my family reads this blog anymore) she'd tell me I'm "burning the candle at both ends."
Holistically, my home life is stable. My wife is extremely supportive and Lilly seems to be having a fairly good 8th grade school year and is looking forward to sneaking in one last evening of trick or treating in a few weeks. She's a good kid and I love how unique she is. She's more than comfortable zigging when others zag. So that's a positive. I shouldn't ignore the positives. I have a very good life; things could certainly be way worse. Unfortunately, I just don't feel right. This funk I'm in is probably the most wrong I've felt in a long time.
With that said, I really needed to make a weekend run to the sanctuary of the woods. It seems to be the only place I feel I can get my head straight, even if it is only for a few hours. Perhaps its because cell phone coverage can't reach me there. I love a lot about technology, but sometimes miss the days when we weren't accessible 24-7 and expected to respond to such intrusions. I'm an only child, so finding happiness and fulfillment from being alone doesn't come hard.
So I left right from work on Friday evening, drove for a few hours and got to where I needed to in time to get a little shut eye. I should have taken the opportunity to sleep in a bit on Saturday morning for a change, but rather woke up early and found some water and trout, and just tried to clear my mind for a little while...
The alone time and cooler temperatures were enough to coax a crooked smile, and perhaps bring back some of the missing balance I was seeking. At least temporarily.
As I type this post early on a Sunday evening, I know all those feelings I ran away from on Friday are just going to rapidly intensify in a few short hours. The stress and anxiety I escaped will be back; heck, I actually feel it starting to ball up inside me a touch now.
I wish I had a cute little concluding paragraph for this post that made the claim that fly fishing cured all my ills, and say I'm all good now, but I don't. I'm not seeking your sympathy or positive reinforcement, everybody has issues, and most (if not all) are bigger and more messed up than mine. It's called life, it throws punches, and I just need to suck it up for the time being. Things are bound to get better in time, they always do. But for now I'm definitely down in the dumps and I haven't started digging out quite yet. I just needed to write this all down to maybe help me find the shovel.